* I apologize in advance for this long, at times random post. This is my place to vent and seek advice, so that's what I'm doing.
I learned in my junior year of college that I needed to let go of the reins and just let my life take its course. I grew up with the mindset that there was a certain path to follow in life that would ultimately lead to the happiness I was seeking. Life will never be that perfect though. Fitting into a cookie cutter existence is impossible. There is no 'perfect life'. You'd think that realizing this would feel like finding a golden key. Wrong. How is it that even though life teaches you new things daily, you still seem to stubble along the same speedbumps?
I also learned through that tumultuous time, that giving your friendship (and therefor your heart) freely is one of the scariest things that life can deal you. Growing up, I thought that giving my heart to a boy was scary enough. Who knew that your girlfriends could hurt you the most? Finding a true friendship is hard. I am lucky in my life to have two amazing, amazing girlfriends who I know will be there for me no matter what. We have all been through a lot in our lives that have brought us all even closer. Before this though, I lost a very important friend in my life. I say 'lost', because it honestly feels like that person died. We had been friends throughout high school and went away to college together. We even roomed together for our freshman and sophomore years. I'm not going to hash out the details here, but it still hurts (3 years later) that that friendship can never be reconciled. We haven't even spoken in that time, and its something that can never be fixed. Even though I know that I could never trust that person again and am much better without her in my life, why does it still hurt so much? My two besties don't live close enough to get together with on a regular basis and its horrible that 'she' lives less than 10 minutes away. I hate not having a good friend that close anymore.
I am trying to meet more people in my area, but I resent 'her' for breaking me. I feel broken because I am so nervous of being hurt like that again. I don't know if I could handle another few years like that. How do you move forward without taking caution of events in the past?